Glow Stick Baby
3 days ago
Friday, September 5, 2008
We're offline
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Let's try that again...
(Spoiler alert) Kim was worried about me being misunderstood the last time around, so I'll attempt to explain. If you're not familiar with the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer, they are young adult novels about a high school girl that falls in love with a vampire. But then she kind of likes a werewolf, but ends up with the vampire after all.I haven't read the books, but pretty much every female I know is obsessed with them. The reason I find that funny is the aforementioned elements of fantasy. Who knew that my wife would one day explain to me the physiological aspects of vampire/human childbirth?
Anyway, I figured that if fantasy has a market, maybe I should try my hand. Really, I was goofing around while Kim finished the latest book (released last Friday at midnight) and having some fun spoofing the insanely popular series by making up a unicorn/fairy romance of my own.
In reality, I am super impressed with anyone that takes an idea and turns it into something as time-consuming and life-accomplishment-ish as a published novel. Even if it is a little phantasmagorical and seemingly ridiculous and reminds me of the Renaissance Faire.
Monday, August 4, 2008
I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but...
Vernal Equinox
-by Kelly Smith
The bright sun pierced through clouds and shone like an arrow from heaven, pointed directly at Stella's face. Her pale skin illuminated, Henry thought she looked even more angelic than before.
"You didn't think it was possible," she shattered his dreamy gaze the way she always did, reading his mind and breaking down his defenses in a single stroke. Her quiet confidence - not arrogant or haughty, but simply sure of herself, of her beauty, of her power over him - had always been intoxicating to Henry. And now he found himself again rapt in her allure, wondering at the inner strength so innocently hidden behind her soft features, gentle face, smooth skin, with eyes that seemed to retreat, but that met his gaze and penetrated to his core every time he realized that he loved her.
Stella's sense of self-assurance was perplexing to Henry because it left him weak and defenseless. Like the powerful waves of the Pacific that used to knock him brutally from his feeble legs as a child and spin him around under the tide, scraping his limbs against the sandy floor and leaving him prostrate in the surf, her simple beauty and captivating charm rendered Henry powerless. In a way, he accepted his fate, calmly resigning himself to the reality that a life without her would indeed not qualify as life at all, and that he would prefer those strong ocean rip tides and even a gruesome, watery death to the alternative of being without her. He had never felt this way before. Not about previous girlfriends. Not about anyone. He knew that Stella was different. She controlled him in ways no one ever had.
As she looked up at him, in a pensive questioning at first, and then with thorough understanding, she broke the silence of his bewilderment with the simple truth:
"You can't figure me out."
"What do you mean?"
"Henry, you know that I love you, and that I need you as much as you need me."
As he tried to protest, tried to understand how she always knew exactly what he was thinking, Henry's mind was a tempest of uncertainty. After all, he was the one who was supposed to be powerful. He was the one with the physical strength. He was the one with the impenetrable emotions and the unblemished, albeit secretive, past. He was the unicorn.
Just as his thought process arrived at this fateful destination, the clouds shifted to diffract the sunlight, once illuminating his beauty like a mythological goddess, and now sending the rays of light in a full spectrum across the summer sky. As passersby unwittingly slowed their cars to marvel at the full rainbow, arching across the horizon, Henry had a different reaction. Instinct took over, instantaneously changing Stella from his true love to his prey. A horn split through the skin of his nose as his hind legs shredded his trousers, thrusting him upward as he reared toward the marvelous prism of color in the sky, then back to the earth. Henry let out a predatory snort, and bounded forward, determined to consume the flesh he had so recently admired. Stella let out a scream, infusing Henry's obsessed mind with a conflicting array of emotions.
"But I love you," Stella pleaded. And yet despite the urgency of her statement, her confession had a strange resolve, a calmness in the face of her apparent tragedy. Her words drove home to the human remnants of his now wild heart. He paused. Looking her over, then glancing over his shoulder toward the fading colors in the sky, Henry knew that the choice he had been dreading had finally arrived.
Give in to my nature and devour the girl I love, or die myself. There were no other options, he realized as he continued his charge. And just as he gave in to his reckless instinct, surging toward her to fill his monstrous appetite, the unexpected occurred. In a sudden burst of pinkish dust, Stella vanished from before him, leaving a confused unicorn charging directly into a tree. With his horn safely embedded in the tree's trunk, Stella floated gently toward his ear, where her new embodiment as a fairy occupied the same space as one of the many flies that had begun to congregate around him.
And with one decided maneuver, Stella whispered in his unicorn ear, "I love you Henry, but you shouldn't try to kill a crazy fairy princess with magical powers."
Her tiny mouth clenched tightly around his skin, releasing a lethal dose of her venom as he tried helplessly to make sense of the recent turn of events. Before he knew it, Henry's body lay cold and stiff on the forest floor, now morphed back into human form as the dusk had set in.
And with a simultaneous wicked laugh and heartbroken cry, Stella returned to her human form and wandered back to her car, sobbing because she really did love him.
The end.
-by Kelly Smith
The bright sun pierced through clouds and shone like an arrow from heaven, pointed directly at Stella's face. Her pale skin illuminated, Henry thought she looked even more angelic than before.
"You didn't think it was possible," she shattered his dreamy gaze the way she always did, reading his mind and breaking down his defenses in a single stroke. Her quiet confidence - not arrogant or haughty, but simply sure of herself, of her beauty, of her power over him - had always been intoxicating to Henry. And now he found himself again rapt in her allure, wondering at the inner strength so innocently hidden behind her soft features, gentle face, smooth skin, with eyes that seemed to retreat, but that met his gaze and penetrated to his core every time he realized that he loved her.
Stella's sense of self-assurance was perplexing to Henry because it left him weak and defenseless. Like the powerful waves of the Pacific that used to knock him brutally from his feeble legs as a child and spin him around under the tide, scraping his limbs against the sandy floor and leaving him prostrate in the surf, her simple beauty and captivating charm rendered Henry powerless. In a way, he accepted his fate, calmly resigning himself to the reality that a life without her would indeed not qualify as life at all, and that he would prefer those strong ocean rip tides and even a gruesome, watery death to the alternative of being without her. He had never felt this way before. Not about previous girlfriends. Not about anyone. He knew that Stella was different. She controlled him in ways no one ever had.
As she looked up at him, in a pensive questioning at first, and then with thorough understanding, she broke the silence of his bewilderment with the simple truth:
"You can't figure me out."
"What do you mean?"
"Henry, you know that I love you, and that I need you as much as you need me."
As he tried to protest, tried to understand how she always knew exactly what he was thinking, Henry's mind was a tempest of uncertainty. After all, he was the one who was supposed to be powerful. He was the one with the physical strength. He was the one with the impenetrable emotions and the unblemished, albeit secretive, past. He was the unicorn.
Just as his thought process arrived at this fateful destination, the clouds shifted to diffract the sunlight, once illuminating his beauty like a mythological goddess, and now sending the rays of light in a full spectrum across the summer sky. As passersby unwittingly slowed their cars to marvel at the full rainbow, arching across the horizon, Henry had a different reaction. Instinct took over, instantaneously changing Stella from his true love to his prey. A horn split through the skin of his nose as his hind legs shredded his trousers, thrusting him upward as he reared toward the marvelous prism of color in the sky, then back to the earth. Henry let out a predatory snort, and bounded forward, determined to consume the flesh he had so recently admired. Stella let out a scream, infusing Henry's obsessed mind with a conflicting array of emotions.
"But I love you," Stella pleaded. And yet despite the urgency of her statement, her confession had a strange resolve, a calmness in the face of her apparent tragedy. Her words drove home to the human remnants of his now wild heart. He paused. Looking her over, then glancing over his shoulder toward the fading colors in the sky, Henry knew that the choice he had been dreading had finally arrived.
Give in to my nature and devour the girl I love, or die myself. There were no other options, he realized as he continued his charge. And just as he gave in to his reckless instinct, surging toward her to fill his monstrous appetite, the unexpected occurred. In a sudden burst of pinkish dust, Stella vanished from before him, leaving a confused unicorn charging directly into a tree. With his horn safely embedded in the tree's trunk, Stella floated gently toward his ear, where her new embodiment as a fairy occupied the same space as one of the many flies that had begun to congregate around him.
And with one decided maneuver, Stella whispered in his unicorn ear, "I love you Henry, but you shouldn't try to kill a crazy fairy princess with magical powers."
Her tiny mouth clenched tightly around his skin, releasing a lethal dose of her venom as he tried helplessly to make sense of the recent turn of events. Before he knew it, Henry's body lay cold and stiff on the forest floor, now morphed back into human form as the dusk had set in.
And with a simultaneous wicked laugh and heartbroken cry, Stella returned to her human form and wandered back to her car, sobbing because she really did love him.
The end.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Peaceful, law-abiding citizen or hardened criminal?
I had a run-in with the law this morning on my way to work. This was interesting to me because I value the rule of law in America, and I consider myself generally non-disruptive when it comes to living a life in harmony with other members of society. I don't even speed (5-7 mph over limit doesn't count).
But as I turned right onto Geary Rd. at approximately 8:45 this morning, a Pleasant Hill police officer followed my squeaky, $500 Honda with lights flashing. I rolled down my window and discovered that my violation was the lack of a shoulder seat belt. Here's where the story can go one of two ways - what I imagined, and what actually happened.
What I imagined: I erupted into a satirical tirade, cleverly pointing out to this bureaucrat-in-a-fiberglass-box that the only possible logic that could justify my being pulled over for a seatbelt infraction is that the government knows better than I do how to take care of myself. "How strange," I mused, "that with all the good law enforcement could be doing in this world, I am being confronted because the State of California thinks I am jeopardizing my personal safety." Driving without a seatbelt might be a mistake, but I do not pay (ridiculous amounts of) state taxes to correct other mistakes, like failure to balance a checkbook, building a diet around Ben & Jerry's ice cream, or attempting to jump from building to building like Spiderman. [Realism: I can think of a few possible arguments for a seatbelt law on the grounds of its affect on social welfare, but they are a stretch and also it's a slippery slope.]
What actually happened: I nervously and submissively explained how we just got the car and haven't registered it yet (it was actually a month ago and we just hate the DMV and keep procrastinating), how the electronic system just recently failed and disabled the automatic shoulder belt feature (need to get that fixed, but the officer pointed out that I can do it manually), and eventually, how Bennett has a habit of rifling through my wallet and now I can't find my (Massachusetts) driver's license. So it turns out, I actually was breaking several laws (mostly the bureaucratic ones that I don't feel as bad about), but the officer was friendly, merciful, and overall just doing his job of enforcing the will of the people. I was glad I was nice, because I think this approach went over much better than the alternative.
But as I turned right onto Geary Rd. at approximately 8:45 this morning, a Pleasant Hill police officer followed my squeaky, $500 Honda with lights flashing. I rolled down my window and discovered that my violation was the lack of a shoulder seat belt. Here's where the story can go one of two ways - what I imagined, and what actually happened.
What I imagined: I erupted into a satirical tirade, cleverly pointing out to this bureaucrat-in-a-fiberglass-box that the only possible logic that could justify my being pulled over for a seatbelt infraction is that the government knows better than I do how to take care of myself. "How strange," I mused, "that with all the good law enforcement could be doing in this world, I am being confronted because the State of California thinks I am jeopardizing my personal safety." Driving without a seatbelt might be a mistake, but I do not pay (ridiculous amounts of) state taxes to correct other mistakes, like failure to balance a checkbook, building a diet around Ben & Jerry's ice cream, or attempting to jump from building to building like Spiderman. [Realism: I can think of a few possible arguments for a seatbelt law on the grounds of its affect on social welfare, but they are a stretch and also it's a slippery slope.]
What actually happened: I nervously and submissively explained how we just got the car and haven't registered it yet (it was actually a month ago and we just hate the DMV and keep procrastinating), how the electronic system just recently failed and disabled the automatic shoulder belt feature (need to get that fixed, but the officer pointed out that I can do it manually), and eventually, how Bennett has a habit of rifling through my wallet and now I can't find my (Massachusetts) driver's license. So it turns out, I actually was breaking several laws (mostly the bureaucratic ones that I don't feel as bad about), but the officer was friendly, merciful, and overall just doing his job of enforcing the will of the people. I was glad I was nice, because I think this approach went over much better than the alternative.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Ethics of Parenting
You're lying on the floor playing with your 11-month-old. The familiar sensation of warm liquid on your arm brings you out of your daydream and into the reality of a stream of white spit-up literally connecting you with your offspring. It forms a pool on your arm and drips onto the carpet of the house you have lived in for approximately seven days, followed by an agile baby maneuver that results in a knee covered in spit-up.
The liquid grosses you out, bothers your baby and begins to seep into the carpet. You reach for the wipes and find one left in the green plastic cannister. Here's the dilemma: what do you clean first? Your arm, your carpet, or your child?
The liquid grosses you out, bothers your baby and begins to seep into the carpet. You reach for the wipes and find one left in the green plastic cannister. Here's the dilemma: what do you clean first? Your arm, your carpet, or your child?
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The Arizona-California Connection
We had a chance to take some time off work this month and, as you might have guessed, we used it to go to Mesa and visit our beloved family. The weather was, as you might have guessed, hot. For entertainment, as you might have guessed, the kids swam in Grandma's pool and played in the water. If you're wondering if there were any elements to our trip that you might not have guessed, see previous post.
Here are our growing, aquatically-inclined boys in sunny AZ.
Waiting for us when we returned to California was our new home. If you have talked to us or any other renter in the Bay Area, you have probably heard about the prohibitive cost of real estate around here. So we knew we couldn't buy anything, but Kim's relentless searching of Craiglist finally paid off in the form of a little three-bedroom house that suits us perfectly. Here are a couple pictures of the outside.
The boys love having a backyard and play out there all the time. Asher eats sticks and Bennett races his tricycle.
We were fortunate to have Kim's parents come for a few days and declare war on the piles of boxes left over from the move. They were amazingly energetic and ultra-productive, and even found time to play a little bit.
Here are our growing, aquatically-inclined boys in sunny AZ.
Waiting for us when we returned to California was our new home. If you have talked to us or any other renter in the Bay Area, you have probably heard about the prohibitive cost of real estate around here. So we knew we couldn't buy anything, but Kim's relentless searching of Craiglist finally paid off in the form of a little three-bedroom house that suits us perfectly. Here are a couple pictures of the outside.
The boys love having a backyard and play out there all the time. Asher eats sticks and Bennett races his tricycle.
We were fortunate to have Kim's parents come for a few days and declare war on the piles of boxes left over from the move. They were amazingly energetic and ultra-productive, and even found time to play a little bit.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Our Hips Don't Lie
In case anyone is trying to figure out where Kim got her "outside-the-box" mentality and relentless creativity, this video might be helpful. Combine a bunch of adult siblings and in-laws (Schroeder family vacation) with three nights in the wilderness (in a cabin, but still...) and some potentially hallucinogenic cheeses, along with a brilliant, up-and-coming cinematographer, and what do you get? Probably something like this:
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